


forced forward

by nuclearfootball



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2016-06-19
Packaged: 2018-07-16 00:45:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7245445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuclearfootball/pseuds/nuclearfootball
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A (probably) episodic look at Bucky's life in Bucharest, and how he copes (or doesn't) with existence. Just as he thinks he's hidden away for good, Steve finds him (pre-Civil War, just assume that doesn't happen). See notes for more incoherent explanations/justifications....still workin' on it! i'm not good at putting things in order, like my writings, my life, etc.</p>
            </blockquote>





	forced forward

**Author's Note:**

> If you know me -- and for your sake I hope you don't -- you'll know that I love to make my favorite characters want to/kill themselves. (This is my fourth time!) I've been mulling this one over for awhile and I figure if I actually post a small preface of sorts I'll keep working on it and maybe even finish it. (????) Future chapters will be considerably longer, or not, depending. 
> 
> There's going to be angst, self-injury, suicidal thoughts, hurt/comfort, sex, you know the uzh. I doubt many people will look at this, unless I finish it and am actually happy enough to promote it, but if you do read it and you're interested for more give a "kudos." I'll interpret it is "not great but curious for more."
> 
> I'm also experimenting with how to express what I think of as "glitches" in Bucky's mind -- that'll be the weird punctuation you occasionally see. And I went ahead and rated it "Explicit" because it will be, eventually, and if you're like me that's what you're really here for and if it don't have the Big E I usually move on.
> 
> What else...um...idk we'll see how this goes. I haven't written much fanfic for years but I used to write a lot (lolz) and I don't really take anything seriously? That being said, there's a reason I like to write about suicide. This situation is a bit less relatable than the last one (and the one before that wasn't really either), but when it comes to the concept of self-destruction, I think I can handle it. *cracks knuckles, purges*
> 
> Also, I'm not drunk. OR stupid, actually. I'm just like this. Cheers.

**there was a theft**

_ There is a Russian saying, **"If you wake up feeling no pain, you know you're dead" --** Andrew Solomon, ** The Noonday Demon** _

Months pass before he can spend more than one night in the same place.

He fled to Europe the day after he pulled Steve (/?) from the river. He feels he can blend in better there, that there are some places he should avoid, if (/!) he wants to live long enough to remember who he is. Who Steve (/?) is.

This seems to be a fair compromise.

He lays low, uses cash as he can get it, not remembering enough about himself to do much of anything in this world even if he wanted to.

He’s nice to people, they’re nice to him. He (somehow/?) already knows enough language to get by wherever he goes, even if he sometimes has to hang around a town to absorb the nuances. He does odd jobs that don’t require any more information than how much weight he can lift (more than you think/!); he keeps to himself, makes no friends but neither any enemies.

After a year he tries to accept that no one is coming after him. Maybe they aren’t even looking for him. At any rate, they aren’t finding him – he hasn’t felt any undue attention focused on him, hasn’t noticed anyone looking at him strangely, hasn’t gotten the sense that anybody thinks of him as anything other than a quiet drifter.

A normal life is something he no longer understands or expects to ever have, but something is keeping him here; and sometimes he remembers, even just for a few seconds, and despite the wounds he inflicts he stays.

Two things happened first on the cargo ship he took across the Atlantic: he started writing, and he started dying.

**Author's Note:**

> the title of the story and chapters are all from anne sexton. the pretension and incoherence are all mine


End file.
